After an 18 Day "Break"

Not having wrote a post in 18 days, I think it's time.

Over the past 18 days I made a trip home to hang out with family for a week, which was much needed and a nice break. I had a great time up there, but coming back to Sacramento this time was hard. I have been totally stressed about not finding a job after putting out a legitimate effort. It doesn't help that Steve (a math and physics teacher) got three teaching job offers while I was home and ended up taking one of them. He just got out of the credential program and had been just going to school for the last 2 years. He mentioned that he didn't realize how much having a job added to his feeling of self worth. I totally understand what he means, but in him saying that it has made me think about how much having a job means to me (I've tried to suffocate this thought because thinking about it is too painful sometimes). But since he's said it, I've been obsessing about my joblessness.

I did apply to take two CSET tests for science in November, which will hopefully make me more desirable to districts, but it won't help me until next school year 2012-2013! I am also looking to take the English tests, and any others that I think I might have a chance in passing. The district I was working for sent me a letter that I will no longer be getting priority subbing rights, and am now just in a pool with everyone else, and no longer in the special laid off teacher pool. Because of this I am not getting any sub calls, this is no longer a viable and reliable form of income. I also found out that I was not granted a new claim with unemployment so I need to get some sort of job quickly! It doesn't help my sense of self worth thinking about taking a retail or serving job because I went to college and got my teaching credential so I wouldn't have to do that any more and I could put my passion for education to good use.

I also have not been to the gym, and have not been watching what I've been eating. I am painfully aware that my eating habits correlate strongly to my moods. When I'm in a down mood, eating healthy is no longer a priority and going to the gym isn't on my list of things to do, I'd rather just sit and wallow. I haven't been on the scale because I'm afraid of what will pop up on the digital screen. I did go buy a dress for an upcoming wedding the family is going to in Denver in September. I am very happy with the way it fits, and it's still in a smaller size than I was wearing so I can't be too upset. Although I have noticed my skin is acting out and breaking out. I think that it's half stress, and half the way I'm eating (I would say mostly stress though).

Today I am focusing on doing a deep deep clean of my apartment and getting things organized. I'm hoping that if I clean up my surroundings my mood will get a bit better, and bring some good mojo in my life. My room and the downstairs are unorganized and adding to some of my stress and anxiety. Starting tomorrow I will try to make eating healthy and getting back to the gym number one on my list. Although it'd hard with this dark no job cloud and money worries looming over me all the time. I just need to keep looking ahead for those sunny days that I'm hoping are on the horizon.

Stressed to the Max

Weighed in today, same ole same ole. No movement. To be honest, it's what I expected. I went to the gym 3 times last week, but also didn't watch what I ate that much. I need to start measuring and really keeping track again. I'm hoping a trip back home to Arcata will rejuvenate me. Being with my loving and supportive family and a change of scenery is just what I need I think. My dad has agreed to go on two runs with me while I'm up there which will be nice.

I have also been really stressed this week. Unemployment is making me jump through tons of hoops, and it's stressing me out. I also haven't heard anything from any of the state jobs or teaching jobs I've applied to. I'm just feeling jaded that I went to college and worked my butt off in the credential program for nothing. As I told my friend Melissa who is kind of in my same situation, I just want a big girl job. I want to work 40+ hours a week, get benefits, vacation days, a good salary, ect. When I start to stress I just need to take a deep breath and remember all the things that I am thankful for and that this too will pass. My friend Linda tried to help me with a bagel intervention yesterday, but it was too late. I had eaten the bagels and drank the coffee. But it was sweet of her to try to help out with my emotional bagel eating.

I am going on another date with the same guy from last Friday tonight. We are basically going on my dream date, Trivia at a pub! :) I love love love trivia (and Steve is pretty cool too haha). I have looked at the pub menu and there aren't a lot of healthy options. But right now, I really don't care. :) I'm just excited!

No Sleep and Gym Don't Mix

For the past few nights I haven't been able to sleep through the night. I have been having crazy dreams that wake me up around 4am and then I can't get back to sleep for an hour or so. And I haven't been able to sleep until like 12am... I need to get this under control ASAP. But I did drag my beyond tired booty to the gym this morning.

Saturday I went to the newly remodeled 24 hour in Downtown Sacramento. It is AWESOME! Way more cardio equipment and some machines have their own TV screens which I missed about another gym I belonged to.

Sunday I did absolutely nothing. Literally nothing... but it was fun. haha

Today I dragged my butt to the gym and ran 2 miles then rowed for a bit. Now I'm home contemplating what to make for lunch. I am thinking I'll hit the gym tomorrow and do the elliptical to make my goal of going to the gym four times this week since I already blew it on the no beer and eating healthy goals for this week.

One week from today I am heading back home to Humboldt for a week or so. I am trying to eat everything out of my fridge and cupboards, which doesn't always lend itself to super healthy eating, but it's what I need to do to save money and make sure the fridge is empty when I leave.